Island beach state park is my favorite place to run, or was my favorite place to run. I used to work there from the years of 1999-2004, I loved every second of it. I started to think about running more and more at that time, but never really did. I imagined what I would be like to run the entire length from start to finish with whatever I had on my back to supply me for that time. Having run many ½’s and a few 50k’s I decided it was time to do it. My running plan called for me to run at least 16 miles for this weekend, but it didn’t call for the panic attack. I ran this long run to clear my mind, not make things worse for myself.
I have been crippled by panic attacks since I had started back at college for my masters. There has been just so much on my mind that I couldn’t think straight and wouldn’t be able to handle some of the daily things from the day. Master’s work was long and strenuous, children need constant attention when they are young, and the fact that I never really sleep all that well exasperated things to a point. It was always due to a perfect storm of nonsense that a panic attack, attacked. I would wake up in the middle of the night, either have to go for a walk, or curl into a ball and ride it out. Nothing really worked.
I have tried many over the counter or amazon bought products that are supposed to help. Hemp oil was supposedly the cure all to make me feel right again, but that seemed to exasperate things worse. I had a protein shake with vitamin D in it, which was just nasty. Lastly, breathing techniques from an app that led you into a lovely sweet coma of pure peace…NOT! (I have never been a fan of meditating or yoga!) I found out my mind just doesn’t ever really take a break. So, with that, I turned to more running and weight lifting.
Running has always worked. I love the feel of the trail beneath my feet or jumping over a small stream right in the middle of my path. It is my heaven. Trail running to me is much like eating a piece of cake, or smoking a cigarette…the endorphins just kick in and I am in love with the world around me. I can think about nonsense and get it off my chest, my therapist are the birds around me listening to me when I cried about my Grandfather. The trees are my markers or points to keep my eyes on to not let my brain get to ahead of itself. Sometimes I feel like the forest is the only place I can think, even if I am out running it for 5 and a half hours. It is freeing, it is beautiful, it is quiet. A father of three doesn’t get that very often.
This weekend I chose my state park. It was a 16 mile out and back with a few extra miles maybe, in the distance from my house to the park. I went out with my Ultimate Direction vest and my Honey Stingers for food. The first mile hurt, which it never really bothers me, but it felt weird. You ever get that feeling? You know, like just doesn’t seem like normal. So, naturally I picked up the pace and start to run faster than my normal pace to get my mind out of my head and into my feet. I pushed for the first 4 miles, my pace was faster than I wanted it to be, but I was feeling great now. I started to think about the years I had spent in the state park, cleaning toilets with my brother and my friends. It doesn’t sound it, but the job changed me as person.
Ocean beach area was coming up on my right and I wanted to check it out, I decided to pass it for now. OBA2 came up and I passed that as well. The final straw for me was A-7, I couldn’t keep running by without seeing my old cleaning spots. I pulled myself over and started to walk and stretch. Turned off my watch and went onto the beach access and took some pictures and became very engrossed with my time spent there. I ditched my idea of running the whole park, saved for another day, and started running back toward the main gate. As I came to the second OBA, I slowed down and went onto the area and remembered fondly of the time I spent there. I followed suit with every other place I wanted to remember a story about: Sam jumping into dumpsters after setting them on fire (by accident), Sterm lighting an entire can of powdered creamer up, bon fires on the beach, surfing with my brother, and just all around having a great time at the park.
I ended up with a 12 mile run, but it was a really enjoyable, full of memories run. I loved that run.
The next day came when I was helping my brother put together his hunting stand. Sterm came along with us to cut back from brush and get a clearing for the whole thing. On our hike it felt like old times back at the park, reminiscing about what had come of everything.
My brother joked this last weekend that it sounds like “I had become comfortably numb.” I couldn’t disagree, my hands felt like two balloons, I couldn’t sleep once again, and the world was closing into darkness all around me. For anyone that doesn’t know, it is terrifying.
