The title is a bit misleading. Waiting for a race is not just simply waiting; it’s prepping, thinking, over thinking, reeling your nutrition in, and focusing on the course map you have coming up. Waiting isn’t just waiting anymore, it’s just a group of moments of anxiety raging to the surface because you thought you forgot something for training. Anxieties flow through me like a raging river, ebbing and flowing…it has moments of calm and perfect flow for the feeling of doing everything right, but it also has a ferocity that pulls the runner in many different directions to make them feel off balanced and unsure of their racing ability.
Four o’clock wake up comes early when you have three kids. You’ve just spent the night wrestling with one or two them to go to sleep, or being kicked in the face while they sleep in your bed. The alarms beeps like a nagging dog to get up and do your responsibilities. The first sweep of the feet on the floor always find a toy or Lego to cause pain, to fill you with doubt for the morning. This day, no toys or objects to get in the way. I purposefully dressed to run before I went to bed. No excuses today, no reasons to say “eh, maybe tomorrow.”
Breakfast popped in the microwave, the usual for a long run; oatmeal, cranberries, half a bagel with pure butter, juice, and half a cup of coffee. It has always been my go to, and probably always will be. “Don’t change anything on race day!” As I drink my coffee (no cream no sugar) I check my supplies for the run. One orange for 45 minutes before I run, one coke, tailwind (in bottles marked for each lap), some food to nibble on, and my race vest fully loaded. This last check is the most crucial. If this isn’t done meticulously then I might as well not go. Having high anxiety during a race, is no way to run. When I am thoroughly happy with my packing, I stuff it in my duffle bag and toss it in the Jeep. I always kiss my wife three times, and say goodbye for the day.
Days like today don’t happen enough for me to be an experienced runner. I usually shoot for 45 miles a week, the longer runs being on Saturday or Sunday. The prep for Saturday and Sunday runs is much more involved because of the distance I like to try to cover. I want to make sure I cover enough miles to feel confident come race day. The waiting game is off come Saturday mornings. It is mock race day every Saturday. My check list is just one way to ensure I have everything I need and to calm the anxiety that is usually RAGING through my body. The orange before each race or training run is my body’s form of OCD, if that doesn’t happen then I am lost. If my bottles aren’t numbered with what mile I should be drinking them, then I can’t have a good transition from loop to loop. We all have our ways to coop with our demons, mine is anxiety and running is the cure.
After I have checked my gear, I toss my shoes into the Jeep, put on my sandals and drive to my favorite trail. I prefer trail over road any day of the week. It is just about a twenty minute drive to the trail, so as always I start planning my day over in my head. First loop, 3.2 miles. Second loop, 8.1 miles, third loop, 3.2. I keep the tally’s going over and over again in my head. Sometimes switching which loop I want to do second or third. Usually, I keep it up to how I feel after the first loop to guide my decision making. All the while, sipping my coffee and waiting till I can eat my orange. On the dot I eat my orange, toss the peels in a bag to save for later, and continue my drive.
When I reach the desert parking lot of the local high school, the cold starts to sink in. It is a cool October day, six a.m., in the middle of nowhere. I stack my bottles in the trunk, make another quick check my gear and nutrition and start to make the final check to feel good to go. I never listen to music anymore, I find it annoying. The tempos are great for speed work, but I get really tired of them after only a couple of miles. I pack my headphones and my phone in a compartment to get into after the first lap. I bought a book on tap to see if I could listen to that this time, but honestly, listening to nature is just soothing.
I start on the run nice a slowly to work into my pace. It takes roughly a mile and change to really focus on how I am running and to connect my breath with the pace I am moving. I use a two in one out method for my breathing. I connect my breathing with my feet. I keep it at a simple pace and rhythm so I don’t overdo within the first three miles. After two and a half miles in the woods I start my return to the jeep for the first transition. I continue to work on my breathing and my stride, matching the rhythm of my feet and my breaths. I hit the jeep and feel the cool air on my back and neck, it is probably the best kind of day for running. The temperature has finally gotten colder and the air is clear of any particles to make me cough along the way. The first three warm-up miles were spectacular, it makes it easy for my next big decision. I take off my smaller vest and put on the loaded heavier one. I have two water bottles and food stuffed inside for the next marathon or so of running.
When a plan or training comes together the level of anxiety just goes away. The word just leaves my brain for the entirety of the run. I don’t have to think about making dinner, or work. The thoughts of money or food for my children goes away. I am in the woods, alone, no thoughts, everything basically taken care of, and just a picture of nature surrounding me with its beauty and noises. I find my sanity and my peace of mind in the woods. I get closer to religion and I am able to think of family members and what they mean to me. Anxiety is the last thing on my mind, yes I do cry, yes I have overwhelming feelings of compassion for my students during this time period….I Find me. The me that I am supposed to be each and every day, but that me finds it hard to come out. The me that is hidden behind a rough exterior on days when I need to. I find me…go find you. Find the you that you can be.